When I was young I always told myself I wanted to settle down and get married and have kids young. WHY? Well, there’s a 13 and 16 year gap between me and my sisters. My mum had me when she was…. 39. I know right? I don’t wanna wait till I’m 39 to have a kid. Too much of an age gap… My sisters got married when they were about 27.
I’m 25 now, and the one person I really saw myself settling down with is no longer walking beside me.. It’s been an insane 4 months, and I recently asked myself,
“Can you settle?” Unfortunately, the answer is no.
No, I don’t see myself getting attached to someone else and having kids in the next 3 or 4 years. I just don’t see it right now. To be honest, the thought of settling down right now actually freaks me out. For the past 4 months, I’ve wasted way too much money trying to make myself feel better. New clothes, new shoes, extravagant meals or just drinking way too much for my own good. I wanted to morph into someone new, but I’ve had enough, and I just want to be me again.
I’m not gonna sink back into being the same person I was. I’ve changed.
For months, my mind has been in a haphazard state. Stable one moment, unstable the next. Somehow the months have flown by and have left me feeling, if anything, unaccomplished. Things have been left undone, I haven’t been able to focus. I know I’ve appeared totally fine to most of you, but I’ve been self-conflicting for the longest time. If you girls have realised my lapse in sending out store updates, this is why. Cos when Ben walked out of my life, so did a part of me and my heart just hasn’t been in it.
I have had to deal with people telling me what I should do, how I should feel, what I shouldn’t do, and what I shouldn’t feel. The worse thing is hearing them tell me Ben isn’t worth it. What do they know since they’re not the one who was in a two year relationship? It really hurts to hear such a statement, especially since most of them are his friends. I mean, think about it…
Who gave anyone the right to label another human unworthy of love?
It confused me to say the least. I don’t know what was worse. The pain from the breakup or the utter confusion everyone around me was throwing me into… Just last week I made a decision. The decision to listen only to myself… That’s when I suddenly figured out how to live right, and I started to see everything in a new light.
I finally realised what Ben meant when he told me to live my life. For two years, I did everything with him in mind, somewhere along the way, I might have lost myself. I started living for him more so than for myself. But I know he loved me so much that it hurt.
We still have many years ahead of us and no one knows what the future holds but I know I’ll never forget this love. The love that others would wait a whole lifetime for, which we held in our hands and then let go. We were envied and blessed by many, and loved all the same. The memories we made will always be close to my heart.

I’m really thankful that you were mine to love.. Thank you for loving me even though it hurt you.. Thank you for making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world every time you smiled. These are different tears that are flooding my eyes tonight, and I want to dry them on my own…
…Je vous manque :)