so we’re 5 days into Christmas, with a week to go… but somehow i feel like things have gone back to normal… but not for long perhaps, since the new year is just a day away…
i was undecided as to whether i should tell everyone what happened on Christmas, but i figured, i’m okay now, and still alive and kicking, so here goes…
Christmas eve, we had dinner with my family at Lao Bei Jing, then went home to catch a little rest before going to SFX for midnight mass. i was in my dress, and super high nine west heels. i always have this fear of blacking out if i have to stand for too long, so i brought along my flip flops just in case we really couldn’t get seats… that was really a last resort since ben said flip flops on Christmas would be totally sloppy!
While we were still at Novena, i kinda had this gut feeling i should grab a bottle of medicated oil, but for some odd reason, i totally forgot the oil when i went to get plasters…
so, back to mass. as we expected, it was totally FULL! we had to find some place to stand around… i still felt okay, but after awhile, my head started to feel a little funny. i didn’t wanna scare ben by telling him i was gonna black out, i could still stand, but i was just starting to feel a little queasy… so mass started, and then came midnight.
hugs and kisses all around, i told myself, “jeanine, hang in there. it’s christmas.”
but at that point i sorta knew it was a matter of time before i blacked out… abit further into the mass, i told ben i needed to go outside for some air, and he followed me… the moment i stepped outside, i totally lost it. no, i didn’t go crazy. or maybe, i did. i felt like i was losing control of my head, my body. i sat on the floor… i started struggling to breathe, it didn’t feel like any of my previous black outs, and i started to get really really scared. it’s like my head was going to explode, and at the same time i was struggling to stay awake. then i felt my whole body turning cold, my fingers, my legs all started to numb, and suddenly, i couldn’t move…
i remember trying to grab on to ben so so tightly, i started to cry as fear overwhelmed me. i had to struggle harder to breathe, it felt like no air was getting to my head. it felt like i was fighting the darkness, and the last thing i remember was suddenly feeling relieved of numbness, or so i thought.
at that point i totally blacked out, it was ben’s worse nightmare ever.
to be honest, i thought i was dead.
in that very moment, i really didn’t know what was going on. i’ve fainted many times before, but it was never that scary. the feeling of still being awake, yet losing control of your entire body, and being totally helpless. i hope i never experience it again.
when i opened my eyes ben was shouting at me and slapping me, trying so hard to wake me up. i couldn’t help but cry, it was the only thing my body could do. i couldn’t move, and my head was spinning like crazy! ben said my whole body went ice cold, and i was so so pale. but i was just so glad that ben was holding me all this time. awhile later our friends came out to see me cos ben panicked and called for help.
james, jamie, gail and melvin…
thanks for being my “first aid”. :)
and baby, i’m really sorry i blacked out like 15 minutes into Christmas. looking back now, i realised and have more faith in one thing. and that’s the fact that you’ll be there to catch me, always. and that our friends will always be there for us when we need them too.
xoxo
