What were we thinking?

this is gonna be a pretty long one, so bear with me okay?

here’s a song i’ve been listening to on loop…

Mozart – Piano Sonata No 11.mp3

Found at: http://www.filestube.com

♥

blogging about relationships, it got me thinking about all my past relationships. i mean, skip primary school. nothing that happened then was worth remembering for me. being in an IJ from primary to secondary school, the only relationships present in school were the lesbian ones… right?

then in secondary school when we became more interested in boys… the only boys we saw were those at the swimming and track and field meets, remember? that’s when we’d start ogling at the swimmers, the runners… those were the guys the girls wanted to be seen with. and if you were dating a swimmer, the girls would “hate” you.

what exactly were we thinking?

we’d date the “hot-listers” just to be “famous”? looking back now it seems pretty silly how our minds were wired back then… i wonder if things are still like that now? gosh. suddenly i feel so old. to think that i was in secondary school a decade ago. yes… 10 years. sigh

believe it or not, the first guy i dated was 3 years younger than me. and i was 15. can you imagine? that means he was still 12! technically! and until today, we’re still in contact, and on good terms too! in fact, ben has met him too… as well as his twin. haha there are photos of him on my blog in previous entries. if you’re gonna start digging back, hint : butter factory.

and then there were the “in-betweens”.

the more i think about it, i seem to realise… i never really had a clean break with anyone. somehow it was a continuous cycle. i can’t remember a time i was officially not dating anyone… until much later. come to think of it, i might have been a pretty “mean” person when i was younger. if i was nice to someone, i’d be really nice… but when i got bored and wanted out, i’d just RUN! well not literally run, but… i’d just leave it to die?

at some point my friends did ask, “jeanine, why do you get any guy you want?”

honestly i never knew how to answer them. i never thought about who i was going out with. it just happened somehow. did i date a swimmer? did i date anyone in track and field?

yes, at some point. i did.

in fact when i was in poly, i was attached to the vice president of the wakeboard committee for a couple months too. sometimes i still ask myself if that was a mistake. i had just entered poly, joined wakeboard, and neglected my then boyfriend… i still feel sorry towards him somehow, even my close friends hated me for leaving him back then. we had been together for a good 6 months or so, but when i joined wakeboard… i let myself slip.

don’t you get points in a relationship when u feel like, all you do is fight? and then someone else just so happens to come along and make things seem so much more positive and then your feelings just shift? you don’t realise it at that point…

but that feeling is really just temporary.

well, 5 months later i realised it. it was a mistake, and i wanted out… and then believe it or not, my life changed forever from then on… i don’t even know if i should actually blog about this, but i believe in being totally transparent. i mean, it’s all in the past anyway… and we all have skeletons in our closet, right? i’m a normal human being, just like everyone else, i’m not perfect, i made mistakes too. but that’s how we all learn. well, the thing is, i actually had 3 girlfriends after that. yup, i’m not kidding. i really did. i guess not many of you actually knew that, but it’s true.

of course, it wasn’t becos i got upset after breaking up. in fact, it was when i started working part time at ritz and meeting more guys, and getting “involved” with different people.

suddenly, i hated guys.

and i swore i never wanted a boyfriend ever again. perhaps it was an excuse, i don’t know. but i hated them so much that i somehow leaned towards girls… experimental? maybe. but that was one period of my life i will never ever forget. it was also the most painful. period. those of you who knew me then would know what i’m referring to. you’d know how much i hurt back then in those 2 years? and how i actually became quite depressed and suicidal. but thanks to my friends who were always there, to remind me that the jeanine they knew would never fall like that; becos of them, i stood up again.

and i’ve grown so much since then. i swore i’d never let heartbreak ruin me. but at that point, i still couldn’t let myself love, or be loved. i still shut everything out… for a long long time… and then slowly, i started to let people get to me, and most of my friends would remember the very amusing “saga” that came to an end last year… but that’s that. and after that, i pretty much bounced back to being me.

and then i went out with this “rock star”, it wasn’t really anything serious, but it was quite the experience… at least i learnt for myself why they say you can never trust a rock star! but, i can say i did date one in this lifetime. those of you who know who it was, you know. those who don’t know, well… i guess i won’t say…

and then more recently there was nic… altho we didn’t make it very far, i’m glad he came into my life, and i’m glad he still is. nic was one of last year’s cleo bachelors, but at that time he was still studying overseas, and the whole long distance thing just wasn’t working out… but he really did pave the way for me to love again. and for that, thanks nic :)

looks like i’ve reached my present, and my future. and like in the late michael jackson’s song ben,

“ben the two of us need look no more, we both found what we were looking for… with a friend to call my own, i’ll never be alone and you my friend will see, you’ve got a friend in me…”

indeed, i’ve found a friend, someone who knows my past, yet still loves me for who i am today, and whatever i will be.

i really appreciate everyone who has left comments, sent me emails, facebook messages, tweets… thank you for being happy for me, and i’m glad that you are able to confide in me :)

there’s a special someone out there for everyone, you don’t have to look for that person, that person will find you, somehow. it took me years of heartbreak to meet mine, after going through countless teary-eyed nights, he finally found me.

have faith, and never lose hope, and never ever give up on love, cos love will never give up on you.

till my next rant – xoxo

Tags: advice, experience, mozart, relationships, sonata 11