when you have a boyfriend who is a DJ, you better learn how to trust…
but then again, it’s not just about learning to trust, it’s building it together, too.
♥
he’s always out in the clubs, even when you’re way past your bedtime.
if he’s spinning, he won’t reply your texts…
he’s always around the things that cause you sleepless nights, but you have to trust that he’s just doing his job.
and if that isn’t bad enough, he goes overseas for gigs, and then you get left behind for a couple of days.
the overseas texts are pricey, so you can’t text all the time. and all day you try to keep yourself busy, but you can’t really help but wonder… ”what’s he up to now?”
and then you tell yourself, “it’s all part of the job”
you just keep your fingers crossed that you won’t see photos popping up on facebook, photos that will make your heart stop.
even if you do, you have to tell yourself it’s all part of the job.
…
somehow, you force yourself into disillusion, you try to convince yourself that everything he does is part of his job as a DJ. but somehow, something almost always gets in the way…
“PARANOIA”
when he doesn’t reply your texts, you wonder who he’s with, what he’s doing and why he isn’t replying. you start to let your mind wander, and you envision what the situation could be.
before you know it, paranoia can and will destroy you. It’s good if you can still keep yourself in check, if used in a good way. It’s okay if you can control your emotions. It lets him know you actually do worry about him, and what he’s up to; it sure beats not bothering at all.
But when you let paranoia get to you, nothing can prevent the damage that lies ahead. You’ll lose your sense of what’s real and what’s not; you would have turned your “assumptions” into “false truths”. Then nothing he says can reverse what paranoia has done to you… Cos when our mind wants to think something is true, it somehow finds a very twisted way to gather a whole lot of bits and pieces to back that thought. Somehow when paranoia gets to you, it’s very easy to turn small things into big issues…
Some of which, the damage is irreversible. Which is why, in any relationship, it’s all about trust… Trusting each other, and keeping the trust. Trust is not an easy thing to build in a relationship, it may be initially present from the beginning, but it needs to be constantly affirmed.
Even a small mistake can shake it, and it is almost impossible to rebuild once it’s broken. I’ve learnt from experience, and I have my own little “motto” to live by.
“Trust, until the trust is broken. Have no doubts until guilt is proven.”
it isn’t easy, and it definitely is not always put in practice, but remembering to do that can prevent paranoia from getting to you..
being with a DJ for a year hasn’t been easy, at all. trust me, it’s not as “glamourous” as people may think… cos there’s a lot of emotional baggage you need to deal with, especially if you weren’t born a party animal.
But in any relationship, you need to have goals.
i could go on forever, but i’ll keep that for another post…
♥ xoxo ♥
ps : i’m just in one of my “writing moods”, it happens when i have to amuse myself while ben’s away…
pps : i doubt you’ll see this but… baby i love you :)